


yours always, lelouch

by cruellae (tinkabelladk)



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Canon Compliant, Epistolary, M/M, Spoilers for R2, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29235252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinkabelladk/pseuds/cruellae
Summary: Facts are easy to forget. How much does it matter, who did what and when and why? Betrayals and hatred disappear if you just erase the events that caused them. But love lingers on. Not even a Geass can sever a soul from its deepest bonds.or: Lelouch writes nine love letters over the course of R2
Relationships: Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 105
Kudos: 68
Collections: Completed (StarBreaker)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic for this fandom, so I hope I got it all right! thanks for reading <3

Suzaku Kururugi hated attending Ashford Academy. 

It wasn’t always like that. Before he knew who Zero was, before everything all went to hell, he enjoyed being on the student council, and had even made some friends among the Britannian nobles. But now, everything was different. And more than that, Suzaku himself was different, all the softness of his youth sanded away to reveal edges sharper than broken glass. 

There were days when he felt brittle, but he hadn’t broken yet. That was something, at least. Unlike Lelouch, he still had his mind intact. 

It seemed like a punishment worse than death, to steal away Lelouch’s memories, his sister, and his very will to exist. On the outside, Lelouch didn’t seem all that different. A touch less acerbic, perhaps. Less sarcastic, more willing to concede a point where the old Lelouch would have argued for days. But he was still himself, and that made Suzaku nervous. You couldn’t chain a dog forever, after all. At some point, it would chew its own leg off to get free. 

It hurt to see Lelouch like this, even though Suzaku believed with all his heart that Lelouch deserved far worse. Whatever friendship had been between them was enough to make his heart ache whenever their eyes met, and as much as he wanted to crush it, he couldn’t. 

Lelouch had skipped the final class of the day, which wasn’t remarkable at all. He was absent as often as present, and sometimes the teachers didn’t even bother to call his name. There seemed to be a kind of tacit agreement at the Academy, that Lelouch was to be considered a force of nature, and given as much free rein as possible. 

Suzaku’s desk was also frequently empty, but his absences were excused as he was a Knight of the Round, another force of nature against which the teachers of Ashford Academy had no recourse. 

As soon as class ended, Suzaku slipped out of the classroom before anyone could talk to him. His locker was in the far end of the hallway, in a secluded corner. He opened it and sighed heavily at the sight. A folded letter and a neatly wrapped gift, but he wasn’t so foolish as to think it was a token of affection. Since he became a Knight of the Round, things had improved here, but some anonymous harassment continued. 

Carefully, he picked up the letter and opened the sealed envelope. Inside, it was a single sheet of paper, covered in spidery handwriting. 

_ My dearest Suzaku,  _

_ This may be a love letter, but I don’t need to sing your virtues to you, do I? You know that you are stronger than a dozen ordinary men—not just in body but also in spirit. You know that you possess a resolve that is the envy of sovereigns and generals, and no boon or danger can make you turn from that which you hold true. Your hands could tear down a kingdom if you found it to be corrupt beyond saving, but could also gently cradle my heart if you so chose.  _

_ I think of you often and with deep fondness. Maybe it’s unbecoming of me to be so forward, but since I don’t intend to sign my name I think it’s best you know that just the sight of your smile makes my heart race and my chest tighten with wanting.  _

_ Before you became Euphemia’s Knight, I used to imagine that you might be mine, were I of royal blood. I know that you did everything in your power to save her, and had it been humanly possible, you would have done so. I also know that she was worthy of you in spirit and deed, while I am her exact opposite. And yet. I see you and I cannot help but wish.  _

_ I hope that you will enjoy this gift, my noble knight. Think of it as a token of gratitude, as you provide me with a single shining example of why there is still good, somewhere in this corrupt world.  _

_ Love always,  _

_ Your Secret Admirer  _

Suzaku held the letter for a long moment, staring down at the familiar handwriting. Then he opened the gift carefully, heart racing despite his reservations. Inside was a small box of Japanese sweets—the authentic kind that were almost impossible to come by now. They were the flavors his mother always used to buy for him, before everything. 

If the handwriting hadn’t given it away, the gift certainly would. Only Lelouch knew this much about Suzaku, and only Lelouch, out of the entire Ashford Academy student body, had such terrible penmanship.

Suzaku read the letter again, scanning for clues that Lelouch had regained his memory, but there were none. He sighed and folded the letter again, tucking it into his pocket. 

On his way out of the classroom building, he touched his fingers to the pocket that held the letter, a gentle, tentative brush of skin, and despite everything, his heart sparked with something like wonder. 

As he waited for the bus in the station down the street, he read the letter again. And then again on the train, and then again once he reached the small apartment he shared with no one. And then again. 


	2. Chapter 2

It was strange to have a certain selection of one’s memory erased, to live for months in such an uncluttered mind, and then to have those lost moments come back all in a rush. 

Once returned to himself, Lelouch had spent time coldly analyzing the behavior and thought patterns he’d displayed while under the influence of Charles’ Geass, and had come to a few significant conclusions. 

For one, he was carrying a great deal of unrecognized trauma. This was hardly shocking, given the circumstances of his life. But he had not considered the effects that trauma might have on his psyche until it was so precisely and deliberately removed from his memory. 

Without the harrowing sorrow and grief that came from the loss of his mother, without the bone deep fury at his repugnant father, without the memory of Nunnally who he loved and cherished and carried as a burden nevertheless, Lelouch became a different person. Not so deeply altered that outsiders might notice, but distinct enough for his own mind to differentiate. 

And yet, for all that misery and horror erased, he had not been happy. He hadn’t made any new friends or strengthened his bonds with the old. He hadn’t learned much, or even come to class all that often. 

He had, however, fallen in love.

After his memories returned and he made his dramatic reappearance as Zero, Lelouch came home to find a letter cleverly hidden on his desk. A letter addressed to Suzaku. 

He didn’t know if his feelings as explained in the letter were genuine. After all, he hadn’t been in his right mind, and now when he thought of Suzaku, rage eclipsed nearly everything else. Could there be something beneath it, some affection or fondness? 

Perhaps. Or perhaps it was just the lingering remnants of the friendship they’d once shared. 

It was inconsequential, really. The letter, the Japanese sweets he’d purchased before his memories returned. It was a trivial task to slip them into Suzaku’s locker when Suzaku made his own dramatic return, at the front of the history classroom at Ashford Academy. 

Lelouch had no reason for doing it, except that he had always been curious to a fault, and he wanted to know what Suzaku would do. 

He had no intention of writing a second letter, until it occurred to him that the lack of follow up itself could be seen as suspicious. He had to continue on as though nothing had changed, and Suzaku was watching him every day with eyes hard and reflective as emeralds, waiting for Lelouch to slip up. Waiting for his chance. 

Well then. Lelouch would not yield an inch, not even in this. If another letter were necessary, so be it. He picked up his pen and began to write, and once the ink touched the paper the words flowed as though from somewhere deep inside himself, a wellspring he’d refused to acknowledge. 

It was camouflage. It meant nothing. It was merely a way to keep Suzaku guessing, to throw him off balance. 

And yet… 

_ My dearest Suzaku,  _

_ You seemed unhappy today. I wish that I knew why. Are they treating you well as a Knight of the Round? Are any of the students messing with you?  _

_ If I were the Emperor of Britannia, my first order of business would be to make it so no one could fuck with you ever again. We would all celebrate “Appreciate Suzaku Kururugi Day” and at the end of it you would get a prize for being my favorite person in the entire world.  _

_ Hah, what a ridiculous thought, that I might be something like royalty. And something tells me even an outlandish declaration of my affection for you wouldn’t be enough to make you happy. So please, Suzaku, I beg of you. Tell me what it would take to make you smile. Tell me how to build a bridge between us so that I might more easily offer you my heart.  _

_ You seem to me like someone who bears a very heavy burden, and I don’t understand why that should be. I know you, Suzaku, but not as well as I would like. I wish that you would trust me with the things that make that sorrowful expression cross your face, so that I could help you banish them for good. You are so unbelievably handsome when you smile. It’s enough to make anyone swoon, even me.  _

_ I know that you have a mission coming up, as a Knight of the Round. Please stay safe, Suzaku. I don’t think I could bear it if you were hurt or killed. But you should also know that I love the danger that lives in your heart, the sharp edges you have honed to become such a deadly weapon. I love that part of you just as I love your strength and your nobility, just as I love every piece of you in turn.  _

_ Always,  _

_ Your Secret Admirer  _

Suzaku sat on the bed in his tiny one bedroom apartment and studied the letter for any kind of clues. Had Lelouch’s memories returned? All the evidence said it was impossible, but Suzaku’s gut told him differently. 

Every time he read through it, determined to note significant details, his attention wandered along the lines of scrawling penmanship until he was lost in the words, which in his mind he could always hear as being read out in Lelouch’s voice. 

“He’s messing with me,” Suzaku murmured. “That’s all this is.” 

And if he wasn’t, if he truly hadn’t regained his memories, then it would be dishonorable to start any sort of relationship. It would be a connection built on lies. That kind of foundation had crumbled beneath them last time and neither of them would ever be the same. 


	3. Chapter 3

The concrete block was hard beneath Lelouch’s thighs, cold and rough. He was underground, somewhere in Shinjuku, hidden away in the slums. Hiding like an injured animal retreating to some obscure cavern to tend to its wounds. 

And Nunnally...Nunnally was lost to him. His reason for existing, his will to fight—all of it had been wrapped up in her. And now she’d become someone he hardly knew, had been reclaimed by Britannia when all he’d ever tried to do was shield her from its evils. 

_ How could you, Nunnally? And Suzaku… _

Absentmindedly, Lelouch drew his fingertips over the little box by his side. It held a vial of Refrain and the apparatus to inject it. And why shouldn’t he? He had nothing left to live for. 

But before he gave in to that bitter temptation, he had a final letter to write. A letter to a traitor he could not stop thinking of, even now. 

_ My dearest Suzaku,  _

_ You are so easy to fall in love with, do you know that? No, I imagine you are utterly unaware of your own appeal, and that is part of your charm. But even before you were a Knight of the Rounds, before you were an Honorary Britannian, before you were tall and well muscled and handsome, I loved you. From the day we met I loved you. It’s stupid and it’s trite and it’s cliche and it’s the truth. And I hate it.  _

_ I suppose that statement obliterates any pretense I had at anonymity, but I don’t particularly care today. I have lost something very precious to me. And you are the one who took it from me. _

_ It doesn’t matter. I can’t blame others when the truth is that I failed to set things right. Had I been quicker and more clever, a better strategist and possessed of a stronger will, perhaps I wouldn’t have lost everything that ever mattered to me. And you, Suzaku. I would say I have lost you as well, except that you have never really been mine. You are wedded to Britannia, and there is no room in that marital bed for me.  _

_ It’s just as well. I have no time for you either, no desire to be vulnerable or to lay myself bare so that you might peer into all the darkest parts of my soul and call me unworthy. No, I have no need of you, Kururugi Suzaku, the white knight of a corrupt and vicious nation, subjugating your own people in the name of the one who oppresses them. I know that you would hold yourself high above me, think yourself better than me in every way. And that is why you will someday fall from grace. Do not think I will be there to catch you. _

_ Suzaku…  _

_ I’m sorry. I don’t know why it hurts me so much to feel angry with you. Usually anger is good, cleansing and powerful. But anything that puts more distance between us inevitably fills me with sorrow. So please forgive me for my outburst.  _

_ Do you think you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me?  _

_ What a fool I am, even for asking.  _

_ I love you always, Suzaku, and more’s the pity. I can’t stop, no matter how I try.  _

_ Perhaps I won’t be a nuisance to you much longer. _

_ Yours Always,  _

_ Lelouch  _

When Kallen smacked the sense back into him, when she dragged him back from the brink and reminded him that Nunnally wasn’t the only one who needed him, Lelouch left the letter sitting on the concrete bench.

He never knew what came of it. Probably it was simply blown away by a strong gust of wind, or buried in dust, or used to roll a cigarette. 

Better that way. It came too close to his heart to reveal to anyone. Those words, black ink, scrawling script, were just as dangerous as Suzaku with his sword, or Lelouch with his Geass and a command. 


	4. Chapter 4

Suzaku watched through the monitor in the lab as the Chinese empress ran to embrace her savior. Li Xingke did an admirable job of trying to keep a respectful distance from his sovereign, but she threw her arms around his neck and clung to him until he relented and patted her gently on the back. 

Standing over them like some sort of twisted saint was Zero himself, his dramatic cape fluttering in the breeze. 

“You see,” he said to the camera. “The Empress is in control of her own future now. The power of love will give her strength and bless her reign.” 

Lloyd chuckled, peering at the screen. “My, my, what a sentimentalist. I never would have guessed.” 

“It’s a lie,” Suzaku said, his blood hot with the unsated need for vengeance. “He doesn’t care about love. He’s a monster.” 

“As you say,” Lloyd muttered dismissively, moving on to tinker with whatever he’d been working on. He clearly wasn’t interested in a psychological debate. 

Suzaku reached into his pocket and pulled out the letter that had been left in his locker at some point during the time he’d been in the Chinese Federation. Since the only other person in the lab right now was Lloyd, it was safe to unfold it. If Lloyd ever caught sight of a love letter he’d quit reading immediately out of boredom. 

Suzaku brushed his fingers gently over the scrawling handwriting, and imagined he could hear each world in Lelouch’s voice. 

_ My beloved Suzaku,  _

_ You know, I was talking to Shirley today and she said something very memorable to me. We were talking about the Chinese Empress, you know, and her upcoming marriage. This was of course before the Empress was swept away by Area Eleven’s own favorite villain. It has been fascinating to watch all that unfold on TV, but I am glad to be here, safe at Ashford Academy and far away from any fighting.  _

_ Anyway, I thought that Zero would probably marry off the Chinese Empress to a high ranking Japanese family to cement their alliance. But he didn’t. He has very publicly declared that no one shall choose a spouse for her, and that her future is her own to decide.  _

_ And do you know what Shirley said? She said, “Love is power. Passion has the power to change the entire world.”  _

_ I don’t think that she’s wrong. If the Chinese Empress can be freed from the shackles of a thousand years of tradition and set free to choose her own path, perhaps there is hope for you and I as well. Perhaps a Britannian commoner with mediocre grades and a couple of chess championship titles really can hope to win the heart of the Knight of Seven. I’d like to think I at least have a chance.  _

_ Will you write me back sometime, Suzaku? It gets awfully lonely sitting here by myself wondering if you even read these pages, or if you simply toss them aside like my own beating heart means nothing at all to you.  _

_ I eagerly await your return from the Chinese Federation.  _

_ Love always, _

_ Lelouch Lamperouge  _

Suzaku carefully folded the letter and tucked it away again. It was the closest Lelouch had ever come to asking for any type of response. 

_ If only I knew if he meant it, or if he was just trying to keep me guessing… _

Could you love someone you could never trust? 

No matter what happened, Suzaku could never forget the way Euphemia had looked at him on her deathbed, her eyes unnaturally bright and sunken in her too-pale face. And he would always remember the way Lelouch had fought in his arms like a trapped animal, as Suzaku held him down and let the Emperor use his Geass. 

They had betrayed and broken each other, corrupted what was once pure and turned it poison, to an acid that was eating each of them away from the inside out. 

Not for the first time, Suzaku wished he could end it, end everything. But even at the very thought of taking his own life, the curse within him swelled and surged and pulsed into each breath and heartbeat. 

_ Live. Live. LIVE!  _


	5. Chapter 5

Lelouch sat at his desk, pen in hand. Cupid Day had made him think of Suzaku, of how fun it would have been if only Suzaku had been with him instead of Shirley. He would have carefully plotted, laid a cunning trap, and then stolen Suzaku’s hat with an ease that proved he was the one most worthy to take it. 

“How trite,” he murmured, the pen scratching on the paper as he scrawled the opening to the letter. 

After all, he commanded armies and led a floating city of a million Japanese, and here he was concerned about a boy who didn’t like him back. 

_Pathetic._

And yet, he kept writing these letters. He had to keep up the charade, of course, but he didn’t have to make them so _heartfelt._ They were cathartic in a way, releasing the yearning that he usually kept locked deep inside his heart. 

Suzaku likely read them with contempt, if he read them at all. Even so...

_My dearest Suzaku,_

_You missed Cupid Day! It was another one of the president’s hare-brained schemes to cause chaos. She made us wear hats—one color for boys and another for girls—and then chase each other across the school grounds trying to capture the hat of the person we wanted._

_But alas, the person I wanted was off doing whatever you do when you’re not at school. Knight of the Round obligations, I suppose. Not that a commoner like me would have any business knowing about it. Fortunately Shirley saved me. We swapped hats so no one else would come after us. She is a true friend, isn’t she?_

_Maybe it would be less complicated if I could feel these emotions for Shirley instead of you. She is kind and sweet, while you are all sharp edges and hard surfaces, like a piece of broken glass. But even broken as you are, I love you, Suzaku. Fervently, deeply, and with all my heart._

_I never thought I’d love anyone besides my dear sibling. To be perfectly honest, I thought I lacked the capability, that there was a hollowness inside me that nothing could fill. And that emptiness is still there, the callousness that lets me sacrifice any chess piece on the board, but my love for you sits beside it. A contradiction, if there ever was one._

_Even though we’re both on the student council, I don’t see you as often as I would like. And when I do, you are brusque and dismissive, focused, perhaps, on your own affairs and pursuits. You act as though it pains you to look at me, and I don’t understand it. Know that if you hurt me terribly, if you betrayed me in some awful way, I would never forgive you. But I would still do everything in my power to steal your hat on Cupid Day. Make of that what you will._

_With a most sincere and fervent love, yours always,_

_Lelouch Lamprouge_

Suzaku stared at the letter, his eyes filling with hot, angry tears. It must have been waiting in his locker since yesterday, penned before Shirley’s death. 

_How could he be so cold?_

Writing of his friendship with Shirley just hours before murdering her in cold blood—a helpless bystander who had done nothing to Lelouch or his sinister Black Knights. 

Suzaku crumpled the paper in his fist, trembling with fury. The letter was full of lies, intended to trick him into believing Lelouch hadn’t regained his memory, just like every letter had been. They were a trap, a pit with spikes papered over with pretty words and loving endearments. 

_He never loved me. He’s a monster who couldn’t love anyone._

But later, in the privacy of his own home, Suzaku set the letter on his desk, carefully smoothing it out. He read it again, lingering on the phrases that sounded the most like the Lelouch he once knew. Finally, he threw it away. 

Then he fished it out of the trash, carefully folded it, and set it with the others. 


	6. Chapter 6

Suzaku stood alone in the peace and security of his family’s shrine, a sanctity that had been broken and defiled first by Lelouch’s presence, then the men who came to apprehend him. It was all he could do to stand by and let them take Lelouch, when the desperate urge to cut them all down swelled in him.

_ Lelouch should be mine to capture. Mine to guard and subdue.  _

Suzaku sighed. What a fool he had been, to think he’d ever been in control. This time, he hadn’t meant to betray Lelouch, but the result was the same, wasn’t it? 

A flash of white on the ground beside his shoe caught his eye, and he picked it up. A folded piece of paper, his name written in a scrawling hand on the other side. 

Something like dread filled him as he opened it and began to read. 

_ Suzaku,  _

_ Yesterday I wrote two letters. Some might say that’s excessive, but I like to be prepared. The first letter was to express my gratitude, that you heard my plea and promised to protect Nunnally like the white knight that you are meant to be.  _

_ This letter is different. This letter is yours if you betray me, my darling. I’m writing it just in case your people swoop down from on high to capture the renegade Zero and kill him or take him into custody.  _

_ My heart tells me I will give you the first letter. But I am not sure if that is intuition or merely hope, because even if you betray me I will love you. I will hate you also, but that is nothing new.  _

_ We are like opponents on a chessboard, you and I. Myself, with my Black Knights, and you across the checkered squares, the White Death, Knight of the Round. When you become the Knight of One, as I know you someday will, I will be waiting for you. When you are given Japan as your own, to subjugate as you see fit, I will be waiting for you.  _

_ Your ambitions will someday meet an end, and it will be at my hand. I promise you this. I swear it by my name.  _

_ Suzaku, if you have betrayed me then you have broken the last true human connection that I had. And perhaps I should thank you for it. Now there is nothing holding me back. A chessmaster cannot think of some pieces as more precious than others, or they become vulnerabilities that are easy to exploit.  _

_ Without you and Nunnally, I have no vulnerabilities.  _

_ Without you and Nunnally, I have nothing.  _

_ Yet I love you still.  _

_ Be ready, Suzaku. I will come to take all that you hold dear. And perhaps then, when you have nothing else to cling to, no safe harbor to be found…  _

_ Perhaps then you will come to love me too.  _

_ Always,  _

_ Lelouch vi Britannia  _


	7. Chapter 7

Suzaku and CC lingered outside the door that led to whatever alternate world Lady Marianne had just entered. Suzaku wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen her ghost emerge from Anya’s body as the strange symbols on the ruined door lit up. 

CC had told him Lelouch was in there too, but wouldn’t say why or what was going to happen to him. She was as mysterious as ever, wandering around the echoing cavern, swinging her arms like she didn’t have a care in the world. Suzaku had tried demanding answers of her, but it had proved utterly ineffective. 

So now he was just waiting awkwardly, watching as she paused, looking down at a slab of rock, then plucked something from it with her delicate fingers. 

She threw it at Suzaku and he caught it. A folded piece of paper with his name on it, scrawled in a familiar messy script. 

His hand trembled as he held it, unfolding the thin paper delicately as though it was precious, or deadly. 

_ Suzaku,  _

_ I know how to end it. I know how to make things right. I know how to turn checkmate into victory.  _

_ You will never see me again. I imagine this brings you a great deal of joy and satisfaction, to know that I will be locked away for all eternity, suffering as penance for my many crimes. Your only regret, I would assume, is that you were not the one to deal that final blow.  _

_ But it is no matter. I am walking into this prison with my eyes open and my hands empty, but I carry you in my heart.  _

_ I realize now, at the end of all things, that I did not just want to destroy Britannia for Nunnally’s sake. I also wanted to save you, to free you from the gilded cage you built for yourself.  _

_ What a fool I am. It is only fitting that I should be the sacrificial piece in this, my final game.  _

_ I know that you will not mourn me. But I hope that you will think of me, once in a while.  _

_ Love always,  _

_ Lelouch vi Britannia  _

“We have to go in there,” Suzaku said, tucking the note into his pocket. “Lelouch needs us.” 

His heart burned with a purifying fury. For once he knew what to do—no shades of gray, not this time. He could either save Lelouch or leave him. It was barely a choice at all, when he thought of it that way. 

No matter what had happened between them, he would always come running if there was a chance he could protect Lelouch. 

CC turned her lazy gaze towards him. “Well. I’m impressed you figured it out.” 

Suzaku narrowed his eyes at her flippant tone, but forced himself to ignore the disrespect. “Can you get us in there?” 

“In a moment,” CC said lazily, like they had all the time in the world. “First I need to ask you a question.” 

“Make it quick,” Suzaku muttered, gritting his teeth. 

“If we go in there. What do you want from him?” 

It was a more complicated question than Suzaku knew how to answer. 

“I don’t understand what the hell’s going on,” Suzaku said. “But I can tell he’s in danger. He needs me. And I wanna be there.” 

He hunched his shoulders, glancing uneasily at her. 

“That’s all I know.” 

She sighed wearily. “That will have to be enough. Come on, it’s this way.” 

He followed her to the strange door, and through it to the other side. 


	8. Chapter 8

The skirmish was over, the enemy forces defeated. Suzaku let the Lancelot drift on the wings of its float system, idling as he waited to be picked up. 

He’d been fighting for several days, hopping from battle to battle to rally Lelouch’s forces against their many enemies while Lelouch wielded diplomacy from the Emperor’s throne—a power just as devastating as any of Suzaku’s weapons. 

Lelouch had some kind of plan—Suzaku still didn’t know what, but he trusted that he would be told when the time was right. In the meantime, he was happy to serve the Emperor, to be Lelouch’s most honored Knight. In the most secret recesses of his heart, he had always wanted that. 

His ride back to Pendragon was still some distance away. Suzaku reached into his pocket and took out the folded piece of paper that had been tucked conspicuously against the dashboard when he’d climbed in. His name was scrawled across the front. 

He opened it slowly, savoring the moment. 

_ My dearest Knight,  _

_ I gave you a curse and you turned it into another weapon in your arsenal. You are truly a warrior like no other. I watch you streak across the sky in your Lancelot and think that the sun and the stars themselves must be in awe.  _

_ I have used my Geass only once in error and only twice without thinking of the consequences, without a greater strategy at hand. The accident, the moment I used it without meaning to, I will take to my grave. But you should know that the only times I have been driven to react by emotion, rather than logic, were because of you.  _

_ When Mao spoke of your father...I had never seen anything wound you so deeply, cut to the core of you without mercy. I commanded that he never speak again, and for the rest of his short life he was condemned to silence. Later, when I saw death approaching you in the form of a Britannian bombardment, I could not think. I could not breathe. All I wanted in that moment was for you to survive.  _

_ And now… Mao is inconsequential, and dead besides. But the order I gave you, I cannot bring myself to regret it. I know that without it you would be dead by now, and I would not have the strength to go on if I did not have you to carry me over the most difficult parts.  _

_ I don’t think that you realize how much strength it gives me, simply to have you by my side. To know that you are just behind my shoulder, watching over those who would do me harm or stand in the way of our goals. Once upon a time I had schemed to make you Nunnally’s knight, so that I could rest peacefully knowing she was protected. But in my heart of hearts, I always wished that you could be mine.  _

_ And now you are. My Knight of Zero. You hold my sword in one hand and my heart in the other.  _

_ Please take good care of it. Even the Demon Emperor is breakable.  _

_ Love always,  _

_ Lelouch vi Briannia  _

When Suzaku got back to Pendragon, Lelouch was waiting for him. Even now that they were no longer enemies, Lelouch never spoke of the letters. But he kept sending them. 

So Suzaku stayed silent as well. Sometimes he wanted to say something, anything, to break the strange tension that was between them. But he wasn’t so sure of his own feelings. He hated Lelouch, or at least, he wanted to. Anything less felt like a betrayal of Euphemia’s memory.

Even so…

It was on the tip of his tongue when he met Lelouch in the empty strategy room. He almost crossed the distance between them for a kiss he knew he would come to regret. 

But Lelouch looked so solemn that he held back. 

“I have a plan,” he said, holding Suzaku’s gaze. “I call it the Zero Requiem.” 


	9. Chapter 9

Huddled in the car Jeremiah was driving, hurrying from the site where Lelouch was lying in a puddle of his own blood, a horrified Nunnally beside him, Suzaku removed the Zero mask and wiped away his tears. 

It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, and he regretted it already, even though he couldn’t have brought himself to disobey such a command from his Emperor. 

He pulled the cape off his shoulders, setting it aside, and took a deep, steadying breath. 

“I’ve been instructed to tell you to look in your pocket,” Jeremiah said. Obedient to the last, his voice carried no trace of curiosity, just the satisfaction of a task completed. If his Emperor had wanted him to know, he would have told him what it was. 

“Thanks,” Suzaku said. He was only a little surprised when he reached into the pocket and came up with a folded piece of paper that had definitely not been there before the Requiem. 

_ My dearest Suzaku,  _

_ Will you miss me? Will you curse my name, my very existence, for what I have made you do today? I have a suspicion that you might. But you should know that the Zero Requiem is a gift. I made it for you.  _

_ You have such violence in you, dear Suzaku. Such hate, such reckless anger. Your hands are stained with blood, as are mine. But know that Zero is no longer a tactician, a general, or a terrorist. Zero is a symbol. Zero is the strength that comes from gentleness and just actions, the hope for a brighter, better tomorrow. This is what we have decided, is it not?  _

_ Then let it be so. From this day forward, I, Lelouch vi Britannia, the last Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, decree:  _

_ Zero is to be your prison, Kururugi Suzaku. The mask, and all that it represents, will cage the very parts of yourself that you fear and despise. As long as you are Zero you cannot stain your hands any further with the blood of the innocent or even the guilty. As Zero, you will be the man I always knew you could be. The goodness in your heart will prevail over the darkness, and your service as the shining hero who inspires the world will be your penance.  _

_ This is my gift to you, Suzaku: your redemption.  _

_ Take your time, my darling. Live, as much as you can bring yourself to. I’ll be waiting, for as long as it takes for you to join me.  _

_ Love always,  _

_ Lelouch  _

Suzaku carefully folded the letter and tucked it into an inside pocket, close to his heart. Then he put his face in his hands and wept. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go! Thank you for the incredible response - you are all amazing <3


	10. Chapter 10

The grave of the Demon Emperor is defiled almost as soon as the casket is in the ground, the monument stained by graffiti and chipped from thrown rocks. In the late night, when the Briannian cemetery is deserted, Zero makes his careful, quiet way through the rows of gravestones to the statue of Lelouch. He cleans away the graffiti and tends to the trampled soil as best he can. 

When he is done, he tucks a small piece of paper into the soil at the base of the statue. Face hidden behind the mask, it doesn’t matter if he cries. 

_ Lelouch,  _

_ I’m not good at writing, not like you. So, sorry, I guess. This letter isn’t going to be like yours. I don’t have any pretty words or anything. I’m a soldier, not a poet. Not a genius like you, just a guy who was strong enough to be pretty useful. That’s good enough for me.  _

_ I have all the letters you wrote me. I read them all the time. I miss you so much. I guess it wasn’t until you were gone that I really realized that.  _

_ You’re never going to see this letter, since you’re dead and everything. So it’s okay for me to say that all I ever wanted was to be your knight. When Euphie offered me the knighthood I took it because I knew my chance would never come again, but in my heart I was always yours.  _

_ I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to suffer. That probably doesn’t really surprise you. After all, you were always good at reading people. But you should know that was why I walked away from Zero at the very beginning of everything. Back to my court martial like a fucking idiot. If only I had taken your hand… _

_ But I couldn’t. Britannia despised me and that’s what I deserved. I was dirt beneath their feet, and that’s what I deserved. Even behind the mask I could tell that Zero was looking at me with respect, with admiration. How could I accept that, tainted as I was by my sins?  _

_ I guess this is a really long winded way of saying I fucked up. I mean, you did too, like a lot, but I want to say I’m sorry even though it doesn’t really matter now.  _

_ What I really want to say is that I love you. That’s why your betrayal hurt me so deeply, and why I acted the way I did. That’s no excuse but it’s a reason.  _

_ I suck at being Zero. Everyone expects me to be clever and powerful, like you used to be. But I’m a follower, not a leader. All I ever wanted was to follow you. _

_ I guess that’s it. I hope wherever you are, you’re at peace.  _

_ Love always,  _

_ Your Knight, Suzaku _

Just before dawn, a tall, slender figure whose eyes glow with a sinister potential approaches the Demon Emperor’s statue. He looks up at the serene, imposing figure, posed with his arm outstretched as though he’s about to make a dramatic proclamation, or issue an unbreakable command. 

“Well done, Nunnally,” he says, sounding amused. “It looks just like me.” 

He studies the statue a bit longer, humming thoughtfully. Then his eye catches on the folded piece of paper at its base, sticking out of the soil. He leans down to pick it up and carefully unfolds it. 

As he reads, his eyes fill with tears, blurring the bright sigil within. 

“Never fear, my knight,” he whispers, brushing his thumb over the dark ink. “I’m coming for you.” 


End file.
